18 months ago I had this little munchkin.
I love him SO much.
(Don't mind the goofy look on my face, I wasn't ready)
He seriously has stolen my heart. Willum is such a sweetheart. He gives hugs and kisses and cuddles and likes to be held. His smile is just too cute. He's healthy and happy and perfect.
Yet, when I think back on his birth I feel like something is missing.
I started watching More Business of Being Born on Netflix and it goes in to more depth on childbirth in the United States and it has really done something to me:
1) Rekindled the flame inside me of wanting to be a doula
and
2) Makes me feel cheated on Willum's birth
I know, I shouldn't complain, I got a healthy baby boy out if it.
Why should it matter how he got here?
But it does, to me, anyway.
I just heard someone (on the show) who had a c-section say that they feel like they don't have the right to complain or even talk about their c-section because the outcome was what was more important. I think that's how I feel too. I even find myself telling people that I HAD to have a c-section. In reality, I didn't. Willum was just coming out feet first. He was fine, no health problems. I don't blame my midwife, she has it in her contract that she doesn't deliver breech babies at home. The reason I did have a c-section is because nobody around here would deliver a baby feet-first. OBs aren't even trained anymore how to do it.
It's very possible. It's been done before.
Watching the show has brought back all these feelings.
I could go in to all the details about the differences between Kharisma's natural birth and Willum's surgical birth but that's not what I'm dwelling on. I just can't get over the feeling of not experiencing Willum's birth. I don't feel like I was there, I just feel like it happened. I know there are people out there that love c-sections and that's fine, I love you, I don't care what other people do, as long as it was their choice. I'm all about women being able to choose and know their options.
The feeling is just so hard to explain.
Call me crazy :)
I know I usually don't make such serious posts but I have all these thoughts and feelings I couldn't think of a way to get it out.
Anyway...
I won't let all my crazy show.
Maybe I'll just write it down in a notebook.
The old-fashion way.
I am glad you posted what you did. There is a part of me that will always feel a little empty that I haven't been able to experience birth the way I imagined it. I agree, it is only important that they are here healthy and safe and I am SO grateful for modern medicine, but I just wanted to tell you I don't think you are crazy:)
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy. After Ava was born, I felt similar. Like I wasn't a 'real' mom/woman because I hadn't pushed my baby out. I may love c sections now, but honestly, I'll always feel like I missed out on that experience. I've just had to accept it. And now, I'm ok with it.
ReplyDeleteI feel you...times three
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about feeling cheated. I feel the same way about Emma June's birth. Even though I had her naturally, because of the ambien, I can't remember a lot of stuff. For example, I can't remember holding her for the first time. Most things are a blur, except for the PAIN. I definitely remember the pain!
ReplyDelete